'How To Kill A New Wig' By Adesina Ogunlana

Vol 1 No 2 28th March 2001

‘How to Kill a New Wig’ By Adesina Ogunlana

A new wig is a rookie barrister (and Solicitor of the Supreme Court of Nigeria). What he knows theoretically about the Law is truly wonderful. But what he does know about the Law in its practical dimensions can only overwhelm a cretin.
You really can’t blame the poor creature. Blame his fancy coat and tie educators. For breakfast they had always fed him toasted theory, for lunch, fried theory and for supper, it was theory yet again, but now parboiled.

Despite all odds though, the theory saturated chap is now a barrister. People hail him all over town affectionately as “the Law!” His gown is new, his wig even twinkingly newer. Sparkling is his bib and as for his collar, it is stiffer than Samanja’s (TV character with false, stiff moustache) whiskers.

All newly qualified lawyers need all the help they can get to succeed in the profession. But should it be your sacred responsibility to swing them from the legal profession, this is how to achieve the goal.

A. PAY HIM PEANUTS.
New wigs like money. Too much. As a principal counsel, naturally it is your duty to clip such avarice. Work a new wig like a rice paddy mule, then pay him just a little money as salary. That’s how best your rookie can pay his dues…even if to extinction.

B. FORBID PERSONAL BRIEFS.
Can there be two spoons in the one mouth at the same time? Nay. Then why should a principal counsel be holding down briefs and your rookie doing the same? It is an insult. Don’t allow it.

C. SLAM THE ROOKIE ALWAYS.
A normal rookie barrister suffers from delusions of grandeur. He likes to think of himself as a budding Denning or an Elias. What a regrettable malady! So what to do? Simple. Daily deflate your rookie; poke him with ridicule, punch him with scorn and slap him about with complaints and yet more complaints. Remember, it is dangerous to offer him any words of praise. This will certainly trigger off his malady again.

D. UN-MAN HIM IN COURT.
A good judge or magistrate is in the best position to achieve this mean feat. While a new wig is clearing his throat to announce his appearance; roar at him to speak up. Harry him about his appearance, yell barrages of questions at him without waiting for his reply. Finish him off with this brilliant inanity – WHEN WERE YOU CALLED TO THE BAR?

The rookie has no choice at this point than to burst into tears but happily enough you won’t see him again in a very long while before you.

E. PROPHESY DOOM FOR HIM.
The motto of any self respecting Prophet of doom is “Things can only get worse.” Naturally, yours should not be different.

Accordingly assure new wigs that things would be hard for them. To that end encourage them with your own SORROW-TEARS-BLOOD experiences of the past 37 years as a legal practitioner and how you are yet to make ends meet.

Just keep at this glorious mission. I wish you Devil’s speed.



Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com