THE LEARNED SQUIB
Vol 1 No 11 13th June 2001
My dear Retired Magistrate,
It is with a heavy heart full of joy that I ‘pen’ you these few lines, having learnt of your shocking exit from the exalted throne of your fathers.
Ha! How are the mighty fallen and the implements of gratification perish! I could not believe my ears that anybody could have the temerity to look you in the face and unceremoniously drown your disturbing career in the whirlpool of retirement.
What is your offence? I know they did not disclose and dare not disclose. Is it judicial incompetence? But you know the law and the procedures, at least on how to grant bail to accused persons, on mutually rewarding terms. Is it for absenteeism? Nay, never. Could it be for biribiri, otherwise known fearfully as CORRUPTION? And so?
The answer lies in the immortal words of the immortal Christ, “Let anyone without sin cast the first stone.
It may be true that you regularly and routinely collect mammon from lawyers and litigants but then did you ever fail to deliver your own part of the agreement? Are those other parties to the judicious agreements and contracts ever unhappy?
The wicked have done their worst! Really. How do they expect you to cope and re-adjust now to changes both in title and income. You a deity yesterday, now a mere earthling today. Haba! And how are you going to cope now with your established expensive tastes?
But not to worry, I can see that you are still young, healthy and vibrant. There is a future for you. One, you can just dust up your long abandoned wig and gown and begin to practice or re-practice as a lawyer. After all you are first of all lawyers and the wicked have not confiscated your wig and gown. You’ll even discover that your practice will boom so much that you will graduate from using a ‘Benz’ to a ‘Volks.’
Or you can become a best-selling author. All those your experiences on the bench must not only be rich but quite educative. The title of your book(s) can read like any of these:
(a) “THE WICKED HAVE DONE THEIR WORST: (THE LIFE & TIMES OF AN UNFAIRLY RETIRED MAGISTRATE).
(b) FROM WORSHIP TO NOTHINGSHIP.
(c) ONCE UPON A MAGISTRATE.
Thirdly, you can become a consultant to lawyers and counselor to New Magistrates. You can organize Seminars too. Your constant seminar topic should be: “AVOIDING THE LANDMINES IN LAGOS STATE MAGISTRACY.”
And you can become an evangelist. In fact, you are a perfect candidate for the post of Pastor, Reverend or Evangelist. If you do this, great shall be your reward in heaven…for God does not want the death of sinners but for them to repent.
Just accept my commiserations. But you are not alone in the quagmire. Even greater, finer, much more upright gentlemen and ladies than you like Mr. Kaffo, Mr. Bajulaiye, Mr. Gbogodo, Mrs. Bankole-Williams, Mrs. Osinowo, etc., went away with the wind. But that’s the way of the world and officialdom. One cannot complain too much. The Government giveth, the Government taketh, blessed be the name of Government.
I cannot end this letter without telling you not to be deceived by the sympathetic noises of lawyers when you meet them. Most of them laugh and jeer at you behind your back but shed crocodile tears in your presence. They say you lots are glorified criminals, shameless crooks, open and close money-mongers, etc. and are praising Osinbajo (that wicked “ajoji” professor) and Segun (Father Chris) for cutting off your magisterial necks.
You need not be afraid of the future. Your housing estates which you constructed in the FAT years will bail you out now in these lean times. Likewise your numerous other investments.
My dear former worship, the downfall of a man is not the end of his life.
Soldier on. I rise!
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
'The Genius of Bola Tinubu' By Adesina Ogunlana
THE LEARNED SQUIB
Vol 1 No 10 5th June 2001
When I see a genius, I know him. Actually it is an act of ingenuity to recognize a genius. Many people are genius-blind. They just can’t recognize a master-mind when they see one.
Look at our Governor, Bola Chic-Tinubu. The man is a genius. I have always known this. I have kept my verdict to myself to avoid being stoned by rather impatient Lagosians. Until now.
His latest manifestation of genius thrilled me no end that I hereby openly declare my admiration. Well, damn your stones! The said manifestation shouts to the heavens but dolt heads can’t even feel it. Alas!
What are we talking about? The new increment on sundry Judicial fees (filing fees etc.) This beautiful noose is being misconstrued by many people who are not thinking very deeply. They complain that the fees, are too exorbitant and that for some time now receipts by which to make the payments are not even available. I have seen lawyers reeling under the weight of the new fees, shock written all over their faces. They just can’t comprehend why fees went up so astronomically. E.g. filing fees for Landlord-Tenant matters rose magnificently from N306.00 or thereabouts to N1,000.00, and fees for affidavits from N5.00 to N50.00.
But isn’t all this wonderful? First of all this is a clear dividend of democracy. But more importantly Mr. Chic-Tinubu has very smartly solved the intractable problem of congestion of cases in the Lagos Courts.
What a man of genius! The Eyo Heritage Consolidator, has with rare insight gone into the root of the problem. We all talk about congestion of cases in the courts; cases are too many, take too long to be determined and judges are dying off like striken rabbits. Blah! Bla! Blah!
What should a man of genius do?
Employ more judges? Oh yes but not enough. Build more courts? Oh yes but not enough. Introduce electronic recording into the courts? Oh yes but not enough. For all these are pedestrian panacea.
Go to the root of the problem! Every problem has a root. And the root of the congestion of cases in the courts lies in the registry. Far too many people rush to court nowadays to institute action over petty matters.
For example a man has just lost his wife to his landlord. He would come to court. A woman has just had her shop damaged and looted by her Local Government. She would rush to court…all these because the fees are affordable. Instead of just enduring all indignities and all persons rush to court. Where then remains the meek who shall inherit the earth?
But now the FLOOD of cases, now dammed by high fees would soon reduce to a proportion of a STREAM and before long becomes a RIVULET and then a trickle before resting at mere DROPS.
Of course when we come to this point, there won’t be too many cases in court again. Judges will have more relaxation time and the society will be better off through self help efforts. Honestly, Bola Chic-Tinubu is a genius…If you still don’t agree I won’t be surprised.
After all you suffer from ‘geniusiasis!’
Related link: www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
Vol 1 No 10 5th June 2001
When I see a genius, I know him. Actually it is an act of ingenuity to recognize a genius. Many people are genius-blind. They just can’t recognize a master-mind when they see one.
Look at our Governor, Bola Chic-Tinubu. The man is a genius. I have always known this. I have kept my verdict to myself to avoid being stoned by rather impatient Lagosians. Until now.
His latest manifestation of genius thrilled me no end that I hereby openly declare my admiration. Well, damn your stones! The said manifestation shouts to the heavens but dolt heads can’t even feel it. Alas!
What are we talking about? The new increment on sundry Judicial fees (filing fees etc.) This beautiful noose is being misconstrued by many people who are not thinking very deeply. They complain that the fees, are too exorbitant and that for some time now receipts by which to make the payments are not even available. I have seen lawyers reeling under the weight of the new fees, shock written all over their faces. They just can’t comprehend why fees went up so astronomically. E.g. filing fees for Landlord-Tenant matters rose magnificently from N306.00 or thereabouts to N1,000.00, and fees for affidavits from N5.00 to N50.00.
But isn’t all this wonderful? First of all this is a clear dividend of democracy. But more importantly Mr. Chic-Tinubu has very smartly solved the intractable problem of congestion of cases in the Lagos Courts.
What a man of genius! The Eyo Heritage Consolidator, has with rare insight gone into the root of the problem. We all talk about congestion of cases in the courts; cases are too many, take too long to be determined and judges are dying off like striken rabbits. Blah! Bla! Blah!
What should a man of genius do?
Employ more judges? Oh yes but not enough. Build more courts? Oh yes but not enough. Introduce electronic recording into the courts? Oh yes but not enough. For all these are pedestrian panacea.
Go to the root of the problem! Every problem has a root. And the root of the congestion of cases in the courts lies in the registry. Far too many people rush to court nowadays to institute action over petty matters.
For example a man has just lost his wife to his landlord. He would come to court. A woman has just had her shop damaged and looted by her Local Government. She would rush to court…all these because the fees are affordable. Instead of just enduring all indignities and all persons rush to court. Where then remains the meek who shall inherit the earth?
But now the FLOOD of cases, now dammed by high fees would soon reduce to a proportion of a STREAM and before long becomes a RIVULET and then a trickle before resting at mere DROPS.
Of course when we come to this point, there won’t be too many cases in court again. Judges will have more relaxation time and the society will be better off through self help efforts. Honestly, Bola Chic-Tinubu is a genius…If you still don’t agree I won’t be surprised.
After all you suffer from ‘geniusiasis!’
Related link: www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
'If I Were The New CJ of Lagos State' By Adesina Ogunlana
THE LEARNED SQUIB
Vol 1 No 9 29th May 2001
If I were the new Chief Justice of Lagos State. I would buy a very strong girdle – definitely not from Aswani Market and gird my loins tightly for I have realized that, this seat (C.J’s) ‘no be joke.’ Of course I would work so hard and long that my industry would so shout that people would give my critics dirty looks before saying “But you people said the woman was lazy!”
Secondly, I shall be very gracious and generous to my erstwhile seniors, particularly Longe .J who so far has been admirable in his acceptance of the overthrow which has overthrown overthrow (Baba 70, rest on in grasses).
Thirdly, I shall ‘Enronise’ the Judiciary particularly between the hours of 9.00 am – 4.00 pm so that the courts would have uninterrupted supply of power and no lazy bone judge can have any hiding place again.
Fourthly, I shall conduct a special deliverance service for all registry and probate staff so that God will remove the “EGUNJE MUST DROP” spirit from them. And if this fails, I shall now purge these departments in the manner of a massacre.
Fifthly, I shall see to it that all judiciary staff are taken care of, particularly those that work directly with judges, such as court registrars, secretaries, recorders, transcribers, etc.
Sixthly, I shall continue and even improve on my predecessor’s habit of quick, efficient assignment of new cases, treatment of petitions, etc.
Seventhly, I shall keep my office open to all lawyers, unlike my immediate predecessor who warmly welcomed old, known lawyers, retired judges and other members of the public but who did not mind closing his door and mind in a most ungracious manner to yet-to-be-known counsel as did he to one Mr. Squib and one Miss Squib in the afternoon of 17th May 2001, even without enquiring about their mission. Mr. Ayanlaja, Senior Advocate of Nigeria, please bear me witness Sir. I lie?
Eighthly, I shall cause death to the dearth of receipts in the judiciary (bloody shame) and destroy the prevailing “war-lordship arrangements” in the bailiff section, which allows for court bailiffs to illegally employ an army of toughs to act as proxy process servers and proxy court-order enforcers. To this end in my own time, government shall employ many more people as bailiffs and cause at least 100 motorcycles to be bought and maintained for their official use.
Ninthly, I shall not by any reason of my ascension to this exalted seat compromise the independence and integrity of the Judiciary to any other arm of government, particularly the Executive arm. And this, come high or low politics in the year 2003 and even beyond.
Finally, I shall endeavour to read the SQUIB magazine weekly and give a practical directive to all my judges whether rookie or old hand to do likewise, even if it is their closets. I will also advise those with animus against the SQUIB to drop their arms for it is a difficult thing to swallow thorns or capture thunder with bare hands. Evil follows the evil doer and he shall fall into it, he, judge or no who sets traps for the innocent. MARK MY WORDS.
Vol 1 No 9 29th May 2001
If I were the new Chief Justice of Lagos State. I would buy a very strong girdle – definitely not from Aswani Market and gird my loins tightly for I have realized that, this seat (C.J’s) ‘no be joke.’ Of course I would work so hard and long that my industry would so shout that people would give my critics dirty looks before saying “But you people said the woman was lazy!”
Secondly, I shall be very gracious and generous to my erstwhile seniors, particularly Longe .J who so far has been admirable in his acceptance of the overthrow which has overthrown overthrow (Baba 70, rest on in grasses).
Thirdly, I shall ‘Enronise’ the Judiciary particularly between the hours of 9.00 am – 4.00 pm so that the courts would have uninterrupted supply of power and no lazy bone judge can have any hiding place again.
Fourthly, I shall conduct a special deliverance service for all registry and probate staff so that God will remove the “EGUNJE MUST DROP” spirit from them. And if this fails, I shall now purge these departments in the manner of a massacre.
Fifthly, I shall see to it that all judiciary staff are taken care of, particularly those that work directly with judges, such as court registrars, secretaries, recorders, transcribers, etc.
Sixthly, I shall continue and even improve on my predecessor’s habit of quick, efficient assignment of new cases, treatment of petitions, etc.
Seventhly, I shall keep my office open to all lawyers, unlike my immediate predecessor who warmly welcomed old, known lawyers, retired judges and other members of the public but who did not mind closing his door and mind in a most ungracious manner to yet-to-be-known counsel as did he to one Mr. Squib and one Miss Squib in the afternoon of 17th May 2001, even without enquiring about their mission. Mr. Ayanlaja, Senior Advocate of Nigeria, please bear me witness Sir. I lie?
Eighthly, I shall cause death to the dearth of receipts in the judiciary (bloody shame) and destroy the prevailing “war-lordship arrangements” in the bailiff section, which allows for court bailiffs to illegally employ an army of toughs to act as proxy process servers and proxy court-order enforcers. To this end in my own time, government shall employ many more people as bailiffs and cause at least 100 motorcycles to be bought and maintained for their official use.
Ninthly, I shall not by any reason of my ascension to this exalted seat compromise the independence and integrity of the Judiciary to any other arm of government, particularly the Executive arm. And this, come high or low politics in the year 2003 and even beyond.
Finally, I shall endeavour to read the SQUIB magazine weekly and give a practical directive to all my judges whether rookie or old hand to do likewise, even if it is their closets. I will also advise those with animus against the SQUIB to drop their arms for it is a difficult thing to swallow thorns or capture thunder with bare hands. Evil follows the evil doer and he shall fall into it, he, judge or no who sets traps for the innocent. MARK MY WORDS.
Related link: www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
''We Shall Meet At Philippi' By Adesina Ogunlana
THE LEARNED SQUIB
Vol 1 No 8 22nd May 2001
In a few days time very important developments shall take place in the Lagos State Judiciary…if the Lord tarries.
Firstly, new magistrates shall be appointed and appointees announced on or before the 25th May 2001.
Secondly, a new chief judge of Lagos State shall be announced.
Thirdly, announcement of newly appointed judges in replacement of retired and retiring ones shall be made.
It is very clear that a lot of high tension politics have attended the nomination and appointments of these personages.
Some lawyers do not care who becomes the Chief Judge or Magistrate but I CARE and very passionately too because the quality of the bench fundamentally determines the health of the Bar and the stability of the society.
If the stories one hears about are anything to rely on, it seems as if there are some misfits in the list of appointees.
I have heard of the selection of persons who are as far away from the practice of the law as a fish is to living outside water.
I have heard of the selection of persons whose spouses’ influence and weight in society counted more with the selectors than the ‘appointees’ personal competence and integrity.
Can all these be true? If true, then I say, “Ha, et tu Segun; Ha, et tu Osibajo!” But I will do more than say “et tu” to anybody.
By God, I pledge myself to foment trouble for such unworthy appointees. I pledge myself to cause confusion, discomfort, agony, heartache, hypertension, sorrow, regret, to such evil persons who are “troublers of Israel.”
Let it ring loud and clear, that the era of stupid complacence, sheepish, uncritical acceptance of judicial mess from vile judges who are not worthy of their ermine robes in the first instance, is gone, gone forever.
I have no apology for my position and may God deal as much with anybody who apologises on my behalf to any so called power behind my back.
Bad, Lazy, Ignorant, Corrupt Judges are the judiciary’s greatest problem. Honestly. Forget all those whining about poor funding or infrastructural deficiencies. They are real and true, but have such problems stopped Akinsanya .J, Rhodes-Vivour .J, Adefope-Okogie .J, Kekere-Ekun .J, Adeyinka .J and such other respectable judges from great daily performances?
So my dear misfit-appointee, please do yourself a favour – kindly reject the appointment or turn over a magic new leaf. Else, the Scourge of God shall fall on you and your court made ungovernable and your tenure a disgrace. Before you destroy our living, our profession and our society.
Dare you call me a PECULIAR MESS!
But you and those who appoint you are the more PECULIAR MESS!
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
Vol 1 No 8 22nd May 2001
In a few days time very important developments shall take place in the Lagos State Judiciary…if the Lord tarries.
Firstly, new magistrates shall be appointed and appointees announced on or before the 25th May 2001.
Secondly, a new chief judge of Lagos State shall be announced.
Thirdly, announcement of newly appointed judges in replacement of retired and retiring ones shall be made.
It is very clear that a lot of high tension politics have attended the nomination and appointments of these personages.
Some lawyers do not care who becomes the Chief Judge or Magistrate but I CARE and very passionately too because the quality of the bench fundamentally determines the health of the Bar and the stability of the society.
If the stories one hears about are anything to rely on, it seems as if there are some misfits in the list of appointees.
I have heard of the selection of persons who are as far away from the practice of the law as a fish is to living outside water.
I have heard of the selection of persons whose spouses’ influence and weight in society counted more with the selectors than the ‘appointees’ personal competence and integrity.
Can all these be true? If true, then I say, “Ha, et tu Segun; Ha, et tu Osibajo!” But I will do more than say “et tu” to anybody.
By God, I pledge myself to foment trouble for such unworthy appointees. I pledge myself to cause confusion, discomfort, agony, heartache, hypertension, sorrow, regret, to such evil persons who are “troublers of Israel.”
Let it ring loud and clear, that the era of stupid complacence, sheepish, uncritical acceptance of judicial mess from vile judges who are not worthy of their ermine robes in the first instance, is gone, gone forever.
I have no apology for my position and may God deal as much with anybody who apologises on my behalf to any so called power behind my back.
Bad, Lazy, Ignorant, Corrupt Judges are the judiciary’s greatest problem. Honestly. Forget all those whining about poor funding or infrastructural deficiencies. They are real and true, but have such problems stopped Akinsanya .J, Rhodes-Vivour .J, Adefope-Okogie .J, Kekere-Ekun .J, Adeyinka .J and such other respectable judges from great daily performances?
So my dear misfit-appointee, please do yourself a favour – kindly reject the appointment or turn over a magic new leaf. Else, the Scourge of God shall fall on you and your court made ungovernable and your tenure a disgrace. Before you destroy our living, our profession and our society.
Dare you call me a PECULIAR MESS!
But you and those who appoint you are the more PECULIAR MESS!
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
'The Lord At Badagry And His Holy Days' By Adesina Ogunlana
THE LEARNED SQUIB
Vol 1 No 7 15th May 2001
I sallied forth last week, on Tuesday to Badagry. Not to swim in the Atlantic, or to say ‘hi’ to the Menu Toyi. Rather it was to see things for myself at the Badagry High Court (BHC).
Now the BHC is the domain of Honourable Justice Z.A. Ashiyanbi, who in 1999, during the vacation period as I reliably learnt earned himself the exotic appellation – ‘G.M.G’ (Ghana-Must-Go), ss some are still swearing. Ghana actually went away with the Judex then. Soon thereafter the vacation period, His Lordship woke up one morning only to find himself transferred to the BHC, a move which Judiciary workers claimed was a direct result and acknowledgement of His Lordship’s wondrous deeds as Judge during the afore mentioned vacation period. Abi?
But presently the chief complaint against His Lordship to my knowledge has nothing to do with Ghana or Ghana-Must-Go bags. Rather they have everything to do with his Lordship’s 3-day working week and a demonstratable aversion to working for long hours. And lawyers are really concerned about this, but have they been fair to His Lordship?
I know the usual but not quite effective thing to do is to report such matters to the office of the Chief Justice. But here I teach you certain pragmatic and sure-fire methods and steps to take to cope effectively in the BHC.
(a) BRING ALONG A GENERATOR
The supply of power to the BHC is to say the least highly irregular and unreliable. Then how can you expect an old man, His Lordship the Badagry Judge to do any meaningful job in stifling heat? So don’t arm yourself when going to the BHC with only Law Reports, Court Rules and the Evidence Act. Carry a Gen-Set along and let’s see whether His Lordship will manifest any escapist tendency.
(b) RECOGNISE TUESDAYS AND FRIDAYS AS HIS LORDSHIP’S SABBATH
I think a Lord should have the power to declare any day holy and work-free for himself. So what’s the big deal in Ashiyanbi .J’s refusal to sit on Tuesdays and Fridays? After all, many City (Lagos & Ikeja Division) judges do not sit on Fridays and some of them cannot be found at all in their Chambers on the Friday “Sabbaths.” And how do you know that His Lordship has not been using Tuesdays for cogitating on crack legal issues and writing momentous judgements albeit in the comfort of his residence.
(c) DO NOT GO TO COURT EARLY
Avoid frustration. Don’t go to the HBC if you have a matter there on ‘acceptable’ days, earlier than 10.am. Even then, His Lordship may still be wending his tortuous way from his Ikoyi residence which is about 70 kilometers to his Court at Badagry. For the same reason the poor Lord may not be too keen on staying too long at Badagry before diving home.
We all may blame the Judge but the system (Judiciary) is much more to blame. Why create punishment zones – for Badagry Judicial Division, is actually one of such and is better re-named Badagry Judicial Punishment Division. There is no decent and appropriate accommodation for a judge yet in place there. The premises of the very High Court reeks of woe, ruin and desolation. Little wonder that officers there see their postings as punishment and pass on or share the punishment with the helpless public. It is either a judicial division is properly supported with the withal to stand or is scrapped. Accept my sympathy your Lordship, but is there absolutely nothing that we can do to “de-Sabbathify” Tuesdays? Nothing Sir?
Related link: www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
Vol 1 No 7 15th May 2001
I sallied forth last week, on Tuesday to Badagry. Not to swim in the Atlantic, or to say ‘hi’ to the Menu Toyi. Rather it was to see things for myself at the Badagry High Court (BHC).
Now the BHC is the domain of Honourable Justice Z.A. Ashiyanbi, who in 1999, during the vacation period as I reliably learnt earned himself the exotic appellation – ‘G.M.G’ (Ghana-Must-Go), ss some are still swearing. Ghana actually went away with the Judex then. Soon thereafter the vacation period, His Lordship woke up one morning only to find himself transferred to the BHC, a move which Judiciary workers claimed was a direct result and acknowledgement of His Lordship’s wondrous deeds as Judge during the afore mentioned vacation period. Abi?
But presently the chief complaint against His Lordship to my knowledge has nothing to do with Ghana or Ghana-Must-Go bags. Rather they have everything to do with his Lordship’s 3-day working week and a demonstratable aversion to working for long hours. And lawyers are really concerned about this, but have they been fair to His Lordship?
I know the usual but not quite effective thing to do is to report such matters to the office of the Chief Justice. But here I teach you certain pragmatic and sure-fire methods and steps to take to cope effectively in the BHC.
(a) BRING ALONG A GENERATOR
The supply of power to the BHC is to say the least highly irregular and unreliable. Then how can you expect an old man, His Lordship the Badagry Judge to do any meaningful job in stifling heat? So don’t arm yourself when going to the BHC with only Law Reports, Court Rules and the Evidence Act. Carry a Gen-Set along and let’s see whether His Lordship will manifest any escapist tendency.
(b) RECOGNISE TUESDAYS AND FRIDAYS AS HIS LORDSHIP’S SABBATH
I think a Lord should have the power to declare any day holy and work-free for himself. So what’s the big deal in Ashiyanbi .J’s refusal to sit on Tuesdays and Fridays? After all, many City (Lagos & Ikeja Division) judges do not sit on Fridays and some of them cannot be found at all in their Chambers on the Friday “Sabbaths.” And how do you know that His Lordship has not been using Tuesdays for cogitating on crack legal issues and writing momentous judgements albeit in the comfort of his residence.
(c) DO NOT GO TO COURT EARLY
Avoid frustration. Don’t go to the HBC if you have a matter there on ‘acceptable’ days, earlier than 10.am. Even then, His Lordship may still be wending his tortuous way from his Ikoyi residence which is about 70 kilometers to his Court at Badagry. For the same reason the poor Lord may not be too keen on staying too long at Badagry before diving home.
We all may blame the Judge but the system (Judiciary) is much more to blame. Why create punishment zones – for Badagry Judicial Division, is actually one of such and is better re-named Badagry Judicial Punishment Division. There is no decent and appropriate accommodation for a judge yet in place there. The premises of the very High Court reeks of woe, ruin and desolation. Little wonder that officers there see their postings as punishment and pass on or share the punishment with the helpless public. It is either a judicial division is properly supported with the withal to stand or is scrapped. Accept my sympathy your Lordship, but is there absolutely nothing that we can do to “de-Sabbathify” Tuesdays? Nothing Sir?
Related link: www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
'I Remember When I Was A Quarter-To-Lawyer' By Adesina Ogunlana
THE LEARNED SQUIB
Vol 1 No 6 30th April 2001
You too must have noticed them – the present crop of quarter-to lawyers(QTL). I refer to no other group of persons than the Law School students who since last week have been invading the law courts.
They are like swarms of bees, in number, and their innocence and ignorance is touching. Going by the bounce in their steps, they must be feeling hip and if one were to gauge their earnestness to learn, one only need to consider the rapt attention they pay to proceedings in court.
But will the QTLS benefit greatly from the so called “Court attachment?” I doubt very much. Their naivety is a blinker to their sight. For example an average QTL mistakes mere grandstanding in a Counsel for brilliant advocacy and values a judge’s worth not by his court-room work but by his charming chamber attitude.
I remember when I was in their shoes some six years ago. I recall that many of us were fascinated by Kessington J (as he then was): we would sneak out of respective courts to His Lordship’s ‘arena.’ Because of our naivety we were smitten by his Lordship’s apparent brilliance and saw nothing wrong with his eccentricism, even when it bordered alarmingly on dementia!
Was Kessington J loquacious and garrulous? Sure he was but we saw nothing wrong there. What about his foul, rude and unfair verbal attacks on lawyers appearing before him – these only spiced up our days. How terribly ignorant we were!
Like now, like then, in the way QTLS tend to jot down everything they hear in Court. It is laughable. If a S.A.N snorted, we put it down. When a judge coughed, we captured it graphically. And I am not too sure whether some of us did not record the routine court chorus of “As your Lordship pleases” and the humming of the Air Conditioner in their notebooks.
A wise QTL would do well to spend the period of the Court attachment to continue studying at his lecture notes and synopsis. 90% of what you see in courts my dear friends are too advanced for your understanding within just 3 or 4 weeks of court attachment, and neither would they have much relevance in your examinations.
Don’t be carried away with court shows. Pass your examination first, obtain your “Q.C” or meal ticket first, as Teacher Adubi of blessed memory taught us at the Nigerian Law School and all other things shall be added unto you.
Verily, verily I say unto you it is much easier to practice as a Lawyer than to pass at the Nigerian Law School. You are welcome.
Vol 1 No 6 30th April 2001
You too must have noticed them – the present crop of quarter-to lawyers(QTL). I refer to no other group of persons than the Law School students who since last week have been invading the law courts.
They are like swarms of bees, in number, and their innocence and ignorance is touching. Going by the bounce in their steps, they must be feeling hip and if one were to gauge their earnestness to learn, one only need to consider the rapt attention they pay to proceedings in court.
But will the QTLS benefit greatly from the so called “Court attachment?” I doubt very much. Their naivety is a blinker to their sight. For example an average QTL mistakes mere grandstanding in a Counsel for brilliant advocacy and values a judge’s worth not by his court-room work but by his charming chamber attitude.
I remember when I was in their shoes some six years ago. I recall that many of us were fascinated by Kessington J (as he then was): we would sneak out of respective courts to His Lordship’s ‘arena.’ Because of our naivety we were smitten by his Lordship’s apparent brilliance and saw nothing wrong with his eccentricism, even when it bordered alarmingly on dementia!
Was Kessington J loquacious and garrulous? Sure he was but we saw nothing wrong there. What about his foul, rude and unfair verbal attacks on lawyers appearing before him – these only spiced up our days. How terribly ignorant we were!
Like now, like then, in the way QTLS tend to jot down everything they hear in Court. It is laughable. If a S.A.N snorted, we put it down. When a judge coughed, we captured it graphically. And I am not too sure whether some of us did not record the routine court chorus of “As your Lordship pleases” and the humming of the Air Conditioner in their notebooks.
A wise QTL would do well to spend the period of the Court attachment to continue studying at his lecture notes and synopsis. 90% of what you see in courts my dear friends are too advanced for your understanding within just 3 or 4 weeks of court attachment, and neither would they have much relevance in your examinations.
Don’t be carried away with court shows. Pass your examination first, obtain your “Q.C” or meal ticket first, as Teacher Adubi of blessed memory taught us at the Nigerian Law School and all other things shall be added unto you.
Verily, verily I say unto you it is much easier to practice as a Lawyer than to pass at the Nigerian Law School. You are welcome.
Friday, December 14, 2007
'Mr. Homon Threw A Punch' By Adesina Ogunlana
Vol 1 No 5 24th April 2001
THE LEARNED SQUIB
‘MR HOMON THREW A PUNCH’ By Adesina Ogunlana
I have many friends. Some learned, others not so learned. One of my friends, Mr. Homon fought the other day. Now this fight should interest you. For four good reasons.
(a) Mr. Homon is a legal practitioner.
(b) He fought not only in broad daylight, but right within the premises of the court (Magistrate Court 1 Ikeja).
(c) He fought with a woman
(d) He fought, not verbally, not spiritually nor intellectually…but physically, very physically.
What caused the altercation? There are many versions but I’ll like to believe what my friend told me. He had taken off his coat and hung same on a pole and left the place to see to some other business. Alas when he came back, there lying in an ignoble heap in the dust of mother Earth was his prized habiliment.
Mr. Homon saw red. Sherlock Holming a little, he soon discovered the cause of the downfall of his coat.
The culprit was a woman typist, one of the many who dot the court’s landscape. She had (rather callously) flung off Homon’s coat from the pole which she considered her own, and then set her umbrella over it to commence the day’s job.
It was a question of jurisdiction and locus standi rolled into one. What Mr. Homon did was to correct her impudence with a kick to her table, unwittingly felling her equally prized type-writer in the process.
A mistake. A serious one, for hell hath no fury like an African woman dared. Before Mr. Homon could obtain any prerogative writ of prohibition or secure a restrictive injunction, the lady was at his throat with claw-like hands.
Nonetheless Mr. Homon rose to the occasion but not like a gentleman. He also gripped the woman by the throat, very near, yet far away from the perimeter of her mammary ensemble! Thus joined in combat did the fighters sway in the hot sun, one snorting like a Chinese dragon, the other seething like a Bengal tigress. Honour fled, respect vanished, decency could not be found but shame reigned supreme.
At the end of the shocking show of shame, the crowd of emergency fight managers, referees and judges, gave the fight to the woman, even though her neck, jaws, lips, cheeks smarted from Mr. Homon’s fistic visitation.
Mr. Homon lost face. A ‘whole’ lawyer in a clutch-a-clutch with a woman? In the very premises of the court?
But is Mr. Homon the only “offender?” What about you? And you too? It’s really worrisome the rate learned gentlemen are showing the beast in them in very physical fashion. We fight one another and some even beat up their clients.
I ask – Are we really learned gentlemen or learned thugs? As for my friend Homon, next time you attend our NBA meeting, come in tow with 4 crates of malt drinks, 2 bottles of Elders drink and one fat black she-goat. Otherwise the door shall not open for you.
Olalekan Yusuf Esq., Chairman NBA Ikeja Branch, are you listening?
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
THE LEARNED SQUIB
‘MR HOMON THREW A PUNCH’ By Adesina Ogunlana
I have many friends. Some learned, others not so learned. One of my friends, Mr. Homon fought the other day. Now this fight should interest you. For four good reasons.
(a) Mr. Homon is a legal practitioner.
(b) He fought not only in broad daylight, but right within the premises of the court (Magistrate Court 1 Ikeja).
(c) He fought with a woman
(d) He fought, not verbally, not spiritually nor intellectually…but physically, very physically.
What caused the altercation? There are many versions but I’ll like to believe what my friend told me. He had taken off his coat and hung same on a pole and left the place to see to some other business. Alas when he came back, there lying in an ignoble heap in the dust of mother Earth was his prized habiliment.
Mr. Homon saw red. Sherlock Holming a little, he soon discovered the cause of the downfall of his coat.
The culprit was a woman typist, one of the many who dot the court’s landscape. She had (rather callously) flung off Homon’s coat from the pole which she considered her own, and then set her umbrella over it to commence the day’s job.
It was a question of jurisdiction and locus standi rolled into one. What Mr. Homon did was to correct her impudence with a kick to her table, unwittingly felling her equally prized type-writer in the process.
A mistake. A serious one, for hell hath no fury like an African woman dared. Before Mr. Homon could obtain any prerogative writ of prohibition or secure a restrictive injunction, the lady was at his throat with claw-like hands.
Nonetheless Mr. Homon rose to the occasion but not like a gentleman. He also gripped the woman by the throat, very near, yet far away from the perimeter of her mammary ensemble! Thus joined in combat did the fighters sway in the hot sun, one snorting like a Chinese dragon, the other seething like a Bengal tigress. Honour fled, respect vanished, decency could not be found but shame reigned supreme.
At the end of the shocking show of shame, the crowd of emergency fight managers, referees and judges, gave the fight to the woman, even though her neck, jaws, lips, cheeks smarted from Mr. Homon’s fistic visitation.
Mr. Homon lost face. A ‘whole’ lawyer in a clutch-a-clutch with a woman? In the very premises of the court?
But is Mr. Homon the only “offender?” What about you? And you too? It’s really worrisome the rate learned gentlemen are showing the beast in them in very physical fashion. We fight one another and some even beat up their clients.
I ask – Are we really learned gentlemen or learned thugs? As for my friend Homon, next time you attend our NBA meeting, come in tow with 4 crates of malt drinks, 2 bottles of Elders drink and one fat black she-goat. Otherwise the door shall not open for you.
Olalekan Yusuf Esq., Chairman NBA Ikeja Branch, are you listening?
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
'Succeeding As A Charge and Bail Lawyer Today' By Adesina Ogunlana
Vol 1 No 4 9th April 2001
THE LEARNED SQUIB
‘SUCCEEDING AS A CHARGE AND BAIL LAWYER TODAY’ By Adesina Ogunlana
Occasionally, I saunter across the haunts of the dregs of the legal profession; the “charge and bail” lawyers, and I see many of them wearing doleful mien, their eyes glinting with hunger, brows knitted with worry…cutting the very picture of desperation.
Yet ‘charging and bailing’ is a lucrative enterprise. It can fetch you a good house, a sleek car, a roly-poly frame, though your cloak of honour as a legal practitioner would have some inevitable rent.
So if you are a failure as a ‘charge and bail’ you need not depart from your path of perdition.
You need the following tips and your success is guaranteed.
1. SPRUCE UP.
My man, howsoever dost thou looketh a lout? It is true you are a rogue but must you look the part? Please cut off that jerry-curled hair. And if you need clean, inexpensive shirts and jackets – even shoes, you only need visit ASWANI MARKET (popular flea market) Lagos.
2. ‘PAL-UP’ WITH IPO’s.
Your best friend or accomplice if you like, as a charge and bail lawyer should be Investigating Police Officers. These gentlemen if properly cultivated are the best conveyers of criminal cases to your like. Just leave your cards with them and visit them regularly with ‘something.’
3. HIRE DIRECT AMBULANCE CHASERS.
You know in this business, it is often he who first gets the “overnight” cases that gets their briefs. So you need strong, fast legs to get to these characters before other competitors. Thus, hire young, agile men as your agents, arm them with your cards and let them storm the ambulances for you. There is no disputing the fact that it is not very dignifying to see a ‘whole lawyer’ like you darting and huffing after black marias.
4. MASTER THE MANTRA.
Any ‘charge and bail’ specialist has no business blowing “long grammar” before the magistrate. He only needs to say, “I hereby apply for the bail of the accused persons upon liberal terms,” coolly and confidently, and any reasonable, well brought up magistrate will not hesitate to oblige.
So master the magic sentence. Say it ten times in the morning before taking your shot of PARAGA (local gin). Say it ten times in the afternoon and of course chant it solemnly at night 10 times before retiring to bed. Do all this, daily.
5. HAVE UNIQUE COMPLIMENTARY CARDS.
Any practicing lawyer should have his business card with him at all times. A ‘C&B’ needs it more than any other category of lawyer. Let your card be unique in all respects. For example your card should be so colourful that it will at first glance be mistaken for the flag of Ethiopia, Mali or Ghana. Then it must lavishly describe your professional specialization and expertise. Prayerfully study the sample below:
‘Seye Wayority
B.A.B.M., LLB, BLX
HUSTLER, GANG & COMPANY
(Solicitors & Advocates)
Bail Specialists, Stamp Duty Gurus
Police Matters Consultants
Office: UNDER THE TREE CHAMBERS
Old Secretariat, Ikeja.
Come One, Come All!
Well there are many other sensible pieces of advice that I could give but time and space do not allow. Go well and prosper!
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
THE LEARNED SQUIB
‘SUCCEEDING AS A CHARGE AND BAIL LAWYER TODAY’ By Adesina Ogunlana
Occasionally, I saunter across the haunts of the dregs of the legal profession; the “charge and bail” lawyers, and I see many of them wearing doleful mien, their eyes glinting with hunger, brows knitted with worry…cutting the very picture of desperation.
Yet ‘charging and bailing’ is a lucrative enterprise. It can fetch you a good house, a sleek car, a roly-poly frame, though your cloak of honour as a legal practitioner would have some inevitable rent.
So if you are a failure as a ‘charge and bail’ you need not depart from your path of perdition.
You need the following tips and your success is guaranteed.
1. SPRUCE UP.
My man, howsoever dost thou looketh a lout? It is true you are a rogue but must you look the part? Please cut off that jerry-curled hair. And if you need clean, inexpensive shirts and jackets – even shoes, you only need visit ASWANI MARKET (popular flea market) Lagos.
2. ‘PAL-UP’ WITH IPO’s.
Your best friend or accomplice if you like, as a charge and bail lawyer should be Investigating Police Officers. These gentlemen if properly cultivated are the best conveyers of criminal cases to your like. Just leave your cards with them and visit them regularly with ‘something.’
3. HIRE DIRECT AMBULANCE CHASERS.
You know in this business, it is often he who first gets the “overnight” cases that gets their briefs. So you need strong, fast legs to get to these characters before other competitors. Thus, hire young, agile men as your agents, arm them with your cards and let them storm the ambulances for you. There is no disputing the fact that it is not very dignifying to see a ‘whole lawyer’ like you darting and huffing after black marias.
4. MASTER THE MANTRA.
Any ‘charge and bail’ specialist has no business blowing “long grammar” before the magistrate. He only needs to say, “I hereby apply for the bail of the accused persons upon liberal terms,” coolly and confidently, and any reasonable, well brought up magistrate will not hesitate to oblige.
So master the magic sentence. Say it ten times in the morning before taking your shot of PARAGA (local gin). Say it ten times in the afternoon and of course chant it solemnly at night 10 times before retiring to bed. Do all this, daily.
5. HAVE UNIQUE COMPLIMENTARY CARDS.
Any practicing lawyer should have his business card with him at all times. A ‘C&B’ needs it more than any other category of lawyer. Let your card be unique in all respects. For example your card should be so colourful that it will at first glance be mistaken for the flag of Ethiopia, Mali or Ghana. Then it must lavishly describe your professional specialization and expertise. Prayerfully study the sample below:
‘Seye Wayority
B.A.B.M., LLB, BLX
HUSTLER, GANG & COMPANY
(Solicitors & Advocates)
Bail Specialists, Stamp Duty Gurus
Police Matters Consultants
Office: UNDER THE TREE CHAMBERS
Old Secretariat, Ikeja.
Come One, Come All!
Well there are many other sensible pieces of advice that I could give but time and space do not allow. Go well and prosper!
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
'Retired Judges As "Agberos"' By Adesina Ogunlana
Vol 1 No 3 2nd April 2001
THE LEARNED SQUIB
‘Retired Judges as “Agberos?”’ By Adesina Ogunlana
Last week I witnessed a rather shameful fight involving seven old men courtesy of The Guardian newspaper of 27/3/2001. Six of them were on one side and only one on the other side.
The first side is officially called BODY OF RETIRED JUDGES OF LAGOS STATE ORIGIN (BORJOLSO) but it is legit to call them the BAAHOO. (this sounds so alarmingly close to YAHOO though). The following ‘sons of the soil’ are members:
Honourable Messers. Justice Bada, Adeoba, Adagun, Hotonu, Oluwa and Olorunnimbe, all retired.
The ‘second’ side is the one and only incumbent Chief Judge of Lagos State, Honourable Mr. Justice Christopher Olatunde Segun, a.k.a. C.J Baba.
What is the bone of contention between these groups of elders? It is who should be appointed as judge in Lagos State.
In the said fight, many dangerous weapons were freely used, including blackmail, intimidation, senior boy “yabbies,” etc. From the dexterity displayed by the BAAHOO in the handling of their weapons of war it is clear that these retired judges are (a) not tired and (b) are born politicians or have successfully received special intensive courses in POLITICAL SCARE TACTICS AND CONTROL from NADECO (AGBAKO) and AFENIFERE generalissimos.
In attacking C.J Baba the BAAHOO:
(a) Procured sensitive documents:-
(Letters of C.Js of other states to C.J Baba as well as C.J Baba’s letter to the N.B.A Lagos).
(b) Bared their minds and fangs in no uncertain fashion.
(c) Used a credible medium with very wide coverage to market their views.
(d) Threatened or hinted that except their position is accepted there will be crisis and chaos in the Lagos State Judiciary after C.J Baba’s tenure.
If this is not vintage NADECO tactics, what is? Just tell me.
If by now you are already pitying C.J Baba, that means you do not know His Lordship very well. Suffice to say that he gave as good as he got if not even more.
He made us know that the BAAHOO group was acting out of frustration having lobbied him (I should think unsuccessfully) to nominate some of their children judges. He also asserted that it was too low of the BAAHOO to be advertising for judges on the pages of newspapers. Some swell sword play there!
My sympathies lie with C.J Baba though I do not agree with his shocking position that non indigenes would not be appointed as judges. See, while the BAAHOO group was emphasizing the factor of LAGOS STATE INDIGENESHIP as the basic parameter to use in appointing judges here, C.J Baba was busy trumpeting the virtue of using merit as the proper yardstick.
If there are competent and responsible Lagos State indigenes fit to be judges, such should be appointed, and same should go for non indigenes of Lagos State who have long been working or practicing in the state.
But reasonable preference should be given to indigenes. To me, the BAAHOO group missed it in comparing LAGOS STATE with other states. My Lords retired and temporal, let us observe the principle of true justice which states that:
Treat LIKE things LIKE
And UNLIKE things UNLIKE. Coooourrrttt!
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
THE LEARNED SQUIB
‘Retired Judges as “Agberos?”’ By Adesina Ogunlana
Last week I witnessed a rather shameful fight involving seven old men courtesy of The Guardian newspaper of 27/3/2001. Six of them were on one side and only one on the other side.
The first side is officially called BODY OF RETIRED JUDGES OF LAGOS STATE ORIGIN (BORJOLSO) but it is legit to call them the BAAHOO. (this sounds so alarmingly close to YAHOO though). The following ‘sons of the soil’ are members:
Honourable Messers. Justice Bada, Adeoba, Adagun, Hotonu, Oluwa and Olorunnimbe, all retired.
The ‘second’ side is the one and only incumbent Chief Judge of Lagos State, Honourable Mr. Justice Christopher Olatunde Segun, a.k.a. C.J Baba.
What is the bone of contention between these groups of elders? It is who should be appointed as judge in Lagos State.
In the said fight, many dangerous weapons were freely used, including blackmail, intimidation, senior boy “yabbies,” etc. From the dexterity displayed by the BAAHOO in the handling of their weapons of war it is clear that these retired judges are (a) not tired and (b) are born politicians or have successfully received special intensive courses in POLITICAL SCARE TACTICS AND CONTROL from NADECO (AGBAKO) and AFENIFERE generalissimos.
In attacking C.J Baba the BAAHOO:
(a) Procured sensitive documents:-
(Letters of C.Js of other states to C.J Baba as well as C.J Baba’s letter to the N.B.A Lagos).
(b) Bared their minds and fangs in no uncertain fashion.
(c) Used a credible medium with very wide coverage to market their views.
(d) Threatened or hinted that except their position is accepted there will be crisis and chaos in the Lagos State Judiciary after C.J Baba’s tenure.
If this is not vintage NADECO tactics, what is? Just tell me.
If by now you are already pitying C.J Baba, that means you do not know His Lordship very well. Suffice to say that he gave as good as he got if not even more.
He made us know that the BAAHOO group was acting out of frustration having lobbied him (I should think unsuccessfully) to nominate some of their children judges. He also asserted that it was too low of the BAAHOO to be advertising for judges on the pages of newspapers. Some swell sword play there!
My sympathies lie with C.J Baba though I do not agree with his shocking position that non indigenes would not be appointed as judges. See, while the BAAHOO group was emphasizing the factor of LAGOS STATE INDIGENESHIP as the basic parameter to use in appointing judges here, C.J Baba was busy trumpeting the virtue of using merit as the proper yardstick.
If there are competent and responsible Lagos State indigenes fit to be judges, such should be appointed, and same should go for non indigenes of Lagos State who have long been working or practicing in the state.
But reasonable preference should be given to indigenes. To me, the BAAHOO group missed it in comparing LAGOS STATE with other states. My Lords retired and temporal, let us observe the principle of true justice which states that:
Treat LIKE things LIKE
And UNLIKE things UNLIKE. Coooourrrttt!
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
'How To Kill A New Wig' By Adesina Ogunlana
Vol 1 No 2 28th March 2001
‘How to Kill a New Wig’ By Adesina Ogunlana
A new wig is a rookie barrister (and Solicitor of the Supreme Court of Nigeria). What he knows theoretically about the Law is truly wonderful. But what he does know about the Law in its practical dimensions can only overwhelm a cretin.
You really can’t blame the poor creature. Blame his fancy coat and tie educators. For breakfast they had always fed him toasted theory, for lunch, fried theory and for supper, it was theory yet again, but now parboiled.
Despite all odds though, the theory saturated chap is now a barrister. People hail him all over town affectionately as “the Law!” His gown is new, his wig even twinkingly newer. Sparkling is his bib and as for his collar, it is stiffer than Samanja’s (TV character with false, stiff moustache) whiskers.
All newly qualified lawyers need all the help they can get to succeed in the profession. But should it be your sacred responsibility to swing them from the legal profession, this is how to achieve the goal.
A. PAY HIM PEANUTS.
New wigs like money. Too much. As a principal counsel, naturally it is your duty to clip such avarice. Work a new wig like a rice paddy mule, then pay him just a little money as salary. That’s how best your rookie can pay his dues…even if to extinction.
B. FORBID PERSONAL BRIEFS.
Can there be two spoons in the one mouth at the same time? Nay. Then why should a principal counsel be holding down briefs and your rookie doing the same? It is an insult. Don’t allow it.
C. SLAM THE ROOKIE ALWAYS.
A normal rookie barrister suffers from delusions of grandeur. He likes to think of himself as a budding Denning or an Elias. What a regrettable malady! So what to do? Simple. Daily deflate your rookie; poke him with ridicule, punch him with scorn and slap him about with complaints and yet more complaints. Remember, it is dangerous to offer him any words of praise. This will certainly trigger off his malady again.
D. UN-MAN HIM IN COURT.
A good judge or magistrate is in the best position to achieve this mean feat. While a new wig is clearing his throat to announce his appearance; roar at him to speak up. Harry him about his appearance, yell barrages of questions at him without waiting for his reply. Finish him off with this brilliant inanity – WHEN WERE YOU CALLED TO THE BAR?
The rookie has no choice at this point than to burst into tears but happily enough you won’t see him again in a very long while before you.
E. PROPHESY DOOM FOR HIM.
The motto of any self respecting Prophet of doom is “Things can only get worse.” Naturally, yours should not be different.
Accordingly assure new wigs that things would be hard for them. To that end encourage them with your own SORROW-TEARS-BLOOD experiences of the past 37 years as a legal practitioner and how you are yet to make ends meet.
Just keep at this glorious mission. I wish you Devil’s speed.
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
‘How to Kill a New Wig’ By Adesina Ogunlana
A new wig is a rookie barrister (and Solicitor of the Supreme Court of Nigeria). What he knows theoretically about the Law is truly wonderful. But what he does know about the Law in its practical dimensions can only overwhelm a cretin.
You really can’t blame the poor creature. Blame his fancy coat and tie educators. For breakfast they had always fed him toasted theory, for lunch, fried theory and for supper, it was theory yet again, but now parboiled.
Despite all odds though, the theory saturated chap is now a barrister. People hail him all over town affectionately as “the Law!” His gown is new, his wig even twinkingly newer. Sparkling is his bib and as for his collar, it is stiffer than Samanja’s (TV character with false, stiff moustache) whiskers.
All newly qualified lawyers need all the help they can get to succeed in the profession. But should it be your sacred responsibility to swing them from the legal profession, this is how to achieve the goal.
A. PAY HIM PEANUTS.
New wigs like money. Too much. As a principal counsel, naturally it is your duty to clip such avarice. Work a new wig like a rice paddy mule, then pay him just a little money as salary. That’s how best your rookie can pay his dues…even if to extinction.
B. FORBID PERSONAL BRIEFS.
Can there be two spoons in the one mouth at the same time? Nay. Then why should a principal counsel be holding down briefs and your rookie doing the same? It is an insult. Don’t allow it.
C. SLAM THE ROOKIE ALWAYS.
A normal rookie barrister suffers from delusions of grandeur. He likes to think of himself as a budding Denning or an Elias. What a regrettable malady! So what to do? Simple. Daily deflate your rookie; poke him with ridicule, punch him with scorn and slap him about with complaints and yet more complaints. Remember, it is dangerous to offer him any words of praise. This will certainly trigger off his malady again.
D. UN-MAN HIM IN COURT.
A good judge or magistrate is in the best position to achieve this mean feat. While a new wig is clearing his throat to announce his appearance; roar at him to speak up. Harry him about his appearance, yell barrages of questions at him without waiting for his reply. Finish him off with this brilliant inanity – WHEN WERE YOU CALLED TO THE BAR?
The rookie has no choice at this point than to burst into tears but happily enough you won’t see him again in a very long while before you.
E. PROPHESY DOOM FOR HIM.
The motto of any self respecting Prophet of doom is “Things can only get worse.” Naturally, yours should not be different.
Accordingly assure new wigs that things would be hard for them. To that end encourage them with your own SORROW-TEARS-BLOOD experiences of the past 37 years as a legal practitioner and how you are yet to make ends meet.
Just keep at this glorious mission. I wish you Devil’s speed.
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
'Who Dunnit - Magistrate or Registrar?' By Adesina Ogunlana
THE LEARNED SQUIB
Vol 1 No 1 22nd March 2001
WHO DUNNIT – MAGISTRATE OR REGISTRAR? By Adesina Ogunlana
Mrs. Bankole-Williams, the Chief Magistrate at Igbosere Lagos almost went with the wind some weeks ago. Even now her career is still tottering on the brinks of ruin.
How come? The travails of the amiable and well spoken magistrate arose as a result of a ‘sting’ operation, or what Mr. Oladapo Diya will certainly call a “Set-up.”
Some litigants claimed that the magistrate demanded gratification from them. But when they brought the ‘Big Blue,’ it was the registrar who collected it (N35, 000.00). Just then, the bulls charged in and found the marked money with the court registrar.
When the sh-t hit the fan, the registrar strategically invoked Section 7d of the Criminal Code, to wit that, chief magistrate Bankole-Williams was, permit my ‘Diyanese,’ “the masterminder, the initiator and the executioner” of the sordid affair. Expectedly, Mrs. Bankole-Williams washed her hands off the registrar, claiming a complete, absolute and perpetual ignorance of any plan or agreement to extort or collect bribe from the said litigants whatsoever.
In such a situation who is to be believed? If you ask my opinion I would say “Too close to call.” But the shame really is Bankole-Williams.’ Oh, the ignominy of the magistrate having to be dragged into such a dirty and indelicate matter such as a bribery scandal with her registrar?
You see many of these magistrates are known to be corrupt, and so cannot have their integrity vouched for in the “days of evil” such as befell magistrate Bankole-Williams.
The other time, the Chairman of the Magistrates Association Lagos State Branch, Mr. Giwa was reiterating to the case for magistrates to be given car loans. But granting this prayer, I am afraid will not change irresponsible magistrates for the better. This is because despite the fact that magistrates’ salaries have been improved greatly in this Tinubu era, yet leopards are not changing their spots.
My heart really goes out to Bankole-Williams. She is otherwise a pleasant, hardworking and sound magistrate. It will be awful really to end a promising career on the MANUWA lanes. So if what would save her now is prayers, let Her Worship go up the mountains and plead her cause with the Almighty. For is the Lord not our ever present help in times of trouble? But if it is repentance that is needed let it be done sincerely. I know where sack-clothes and ashes can be rented. Let the accompanying tears be bitter and stinging like St Peters’ after the GREAT DENIAL…
Crocodile tears are not wanted please.
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
Vol 1 No 1 22nd March 2001
WHO DUNNIT – MAGISTRATE OR REGISTRAR? By Adesina Ogunlana
Mrs. Bankole-Williams, the Chief Magistrate at Igbosere Lagos almost went with the wind some weeks ago. Even now her career is still tottering on the brinks of ruin.
How come? The travails of the amiable and well spoken magistrate arose as a result of a ‘sting’ operation, or what Mr. Oladapo Diya will certainly call a “Set-up.”
Some litigants claimed that the magistrate demanded gratification from them. But when they brought the ‘Big Blue,’ it was the registrar who collected it (N35, 000.00). Just then, the bulls charged in and found the marked money with the court registrar.
When the sh-t hit the fan, the registrar strategically invoked Section 7d of the Criminal Code, to wit that, chief magistrate Bankole-Williams was, permit my ‘Diyanese,’ “the masterminder, the initiator and the executioner” of the sordid affair. Expectedly, Mrs. Bankole-Williams washed her hands off the registrar, claiming a complete, absolute and perpetual ignorance of any plan or agreement to extort or collect bribe from the said litigants whatsoever.
In such a situation who is to be believed? If you ask my opinion I would say “Too close to call.” But the shame really is Bankole-Williams.’ Oh, the ignominy of the magistrate having to be dragged into such a dirty and indelicate matter such as a bribery scandal with her registrar?
You see many of these magistrates are known to be corrupt, and so cannot have their integrity vouched for in the “days of evil” such as befell magistrate Bankole-Williams.
The other time, the Chairman of the Magistrates Association Lagos State Branch, Mr. Giwa was reiterating to the case for magistrates to be given car loans. But granting this prayer, I am afraid will not change irresponsible magistrates for the better. This is because despite the fact that magistrates’ salaries have been improved greatly in this Tinubu era, yet leopards are not changing their spots.
My heart really goes out to Bankole-Williams. She is otherwise a pleasant, hardworking and sound magistrate. It will be awful really to end a promising career on the MANUWA lanes. So if what would save her now is prayers, let Her Worship go up the mountains and plead her cause with the Almighty. For is the Lord not our ever present help in times of trouble? But if it is repentance that is needed let it be done sincerely. I know where sack-clothes and ashes can be rented. Let the accompanying tears be bitter and stinging like St Peters’ after the GREAT DENIAL…
Crocodile tears are not wanted please.
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
'The Judge that Slept on Duty' By Adesina Ogunlana
THE LEARNED SQUIB
March 15, 2001
Mr. Justice Adolphus Karibi-Whyte slept on duty the other day. I mean Aldolphus Karibi Whyte, Justice of the Supreme Court of Nigeria, slept while his court was going on.
Well, that’s not so calamitious a thing as you might think. After all, his Lordship did not snore in the process and all this goes on to show that despite all fiction, Lordships are not celestial entities but solidly affixed to the terra-firma. In short, judges are all too human.
Now, where did his Lordship snooze on duty and how did the Learned Squib learn of this? Tut, tut, tut. If you would only read the Comet Newspapers daily, you wouldn’t be missing out on salacious stories such as this. And the incident mercifully did not happen in Nigeria but at the International Court of Justice. Go and do your research.
The matter went on appeal and one of the grounds of appeal was that one of the panel of judges which tried the case to wit, our dear Adolphus Karibi-Whyte JSC, on certain occasions whilst trial was going on did take leave of this sinful world, only to come back after some hours and take off again.
The appeal was disallowed (afterall, not all the judges slept) but the Appeal Court held that indeed Karibi-Whyte JSC drifted into slumberland but for only 30 minutes and not for hours on end as alleged.
Karibi-Whyte JSC did not agree that he slept at all. He condemned the appellants for lying and clutching at straws. When I read his comments, I just laughed.
Of course, I did not believe our dear Adolphus. But that does not mean he does not have my sympathy. You know wherever there is an enabling environment, any reasonable man would drift into languor. Though I was not there, I know the court room where dear Adolphus committed the faux pas must be more comfortable than many Nigerian Affairs. Secondly, I am sure the litigants were wasting too much time speaking through their noses, and splitting hairs. Now that can be very boring to an erudite jurist like Karibi-Whyte JSC.
Of course the great jurist was not snoozing or sleeping or drowsing for fun or in vain. In his dreamland he was yet cogitating about the problems of the fatherland (e.g. permanent petrol queues) and how to solve them. Don’t even mind the appellants. Why didn’t they wake up the great jurist at the earliest opportunity? Why wait for him at the Appeal Court? What if at the Court of Appeal another great jurist had gone to slumber land?
MORAL: Equity does not favour the indolent.
2. Time is always of the essence when sleepy judges are involved.
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
March 15, 2001
Mr. Justice Adolphus Karibi-Whyte slept on duty the other day. I mean Aldolphus Karibi Whyte, Justice of the Supreme Court of Nigeria, slept while his court was going on.
Well, that’s not so calamitious a thing as you might think. After all, his Lordship did not snore in the process and all this goes on to show that despite all fiction, Lordships are not celestial entities but solidly affixed to the terra-firma. In short, judges are all too human.
Now, where did his Lordship snooze on duty and how did the Learned Squib learn of this? Tut, tut, tut. If you would only read the Comet Newspapers daily, you wouldn’t be missing out on salacious stories such as this. And the incident mercifully did not happen in Nigeria but at the International Court of Justice. Go and do your research.
The matter went on appeal and one of the grounds of appeal was that one of the panel of judges which tried the case to wit, our dear Adolphus Karibi-Whyte JSC, on certain occasions whilst trial was going on did take leave of this sinful world, only to come back after some hours and take off again.
The appeal was disallowed (afterall, not all the judges slept) but the Appeal Court held that indeed Karibi-Whyte JSC drifted into slumberland but for only 30 minutes and not for hours on end as alleged.
Karibi-Whyte JSC did not agree that he slept at all. He condemned the appellants for lying and clutching at straws. When I read his comments, I just laughed.
Of course, I did not believe our dear Adolphus. But that does not mean he does not have my sympathy. You know wherever there is an enabling environment, any reasonable man would drift into languor. Though I was not there, I know the court room where dear Adolphus committed the faux pas must be more comfortable than many Nigerian Affairs. Secondly, I am sure the litigants were wasting too much time speaking through their noses, and splitting hairs. Now that can be very boring to an erudite jurist like Karibi-Whyte JSC.
Of course the great jurist was not snoozing or sleeping or drowsing for fun or in vain. In his dreamland he was yet cogitating about the problems of the fatherland (e.g. permanent petrol queues) and how to solve them. Don’t even mind the appellants. Why didn’t they wake up the great jurist at the earliest opportunity? Why wait for him at the Appeal Court? What if at the Court of Appeal another great jurist had gone to slumber land?
MORAL: Equity does not favour the indolent.
2. Time is always of the essence when sleepy judges are involved.
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
'After Segun Who?' By Adesina Ogunlana
THE LEARNED SQUIB
1st March, 2001
Believe it or not, the Chief Judge (Of Lagos State) is gone. Gone not into eternity, but gone nonetheless, is Christopher Segun, C.J.
The reign of Segun C.J has virtually come to an end and all we are waiting for is the valedictory service and all the hypocritical paeans that would be sung there. Long live the C.J!
But who shall be the next C.J? Definitely not my humble self. Thank you so much. As to be expected, present and future contenders for the post are already perfecting their strategies, which may or may not include attending Governor Tinubu’s mother-in-law’s cousin’s birthday, continental prostrations, advanced Nicodemustic meetings, statutory age adjustments and amendments, etc.
This post (Chief Judge) must be sweet indeed. It is not and cannot be just an icing on the gateau, in all honesty, it is the very gateau. A judge, I say, is to a Chief Judge, what (permit my insouciant simile) a peck is to a French kiss.
I am very interested in who becomes the next Chief Judge of Lagos State. And don’t blame me. That worthy is very crucial to every practicing counsel’s success, nay survival, in Lagos State, he being the engine room of the administration of justice here.
If he is good, competent and committed, the judiciary becomes vibrant and progressive. If not, disaster. True, nobody is an angel but then a crooked judge should never become a Chief Judge. That position is too powerful, too strategic, and too respectable to be occupied by a rapscallion, who for example will delight in mistressing magistrates and ju-jitsuing judges’ benefits into his own pocket. At least a good C.J must have three virtues: (a) Good health (b) Discipline (c) Wisdom.
Qualities such as these should be used in determining who should be the next Chief Judge and not some disgusting criteria such as – Lagos State indigene ship, asinine seniority, membership of some “Sogologo-Bangoshe” lodges and cults, or kinship with so called Kingmakers.
I will never pray for a corrupt, thieving, alive-today-dead-tomorrow “money-money” judge as the Chief Judge. Such a misfit full of Judas anointing, cannot guide or discipline judges under him or her. Petitions of aggrieved innocents would be neglected. Bailiffs and Sheriffs will go berserk ab initio. Registrars will go mad in toto. Things will fall apart and anguish will pierce the heart of many.
Those who pride themselves as the pillars of the legal profession in Lagos State and have roles to play in the appointment of Chief Judge of Lagos State should put on their thinking caps and do the right thing.
If not, the terrible axe called Nemesis shall fall on them and their households.
A CURSE? NO, A PROPHECY.
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
1st March, 2001
Believe it or not, the Chief Judge (Of Lagos State) is gone. Gone not into eternity, but gone nonetheless, is Christopher Segun, C.J.
The reign of Segun C.J has virtually come to an end and all we are waiting for is the valedictory service and all the hypocritical paeans that would be sung there. Long live the C.J!
But who shall be the next C.J? Definitely not my humble self. Thank you so much. As to be expected, present and future contenders for the post are already perfecting their strategies, which may or may not include attending Governor Tinubu’s mother-in-law’s cousin’s birthday, continental prostrations, advanced Nicodemustic meetings, statutory age adjustments and amendments, etc.
This post (Chief Judge) must be sweet indeed. It is not and cannot be just an icing on the gateau, in all honesty, it is the very gateau. A judge, I say, is to a Chief Judge, what (permit my insouciant simile) a peck is to a French kiss.
I am very interested in who becomes the next Chief Judge of Lagos State. And don’t blame me. That worthy is very crucial to every practicing counsel’s success, nay survival, in Lagos State, he being the engine room of the administration of justice here.
If he is good, competent and committed, the judiciary becomes vibrant and progressive. If not, disaster. True, nobody is an angel but then a crooked judge should never become a Chief Judge. That position is too powerful, too strategic, and too respectable to be occupied by a rapscallion, who for example will delight in mistressing magistrates and ju-jitsuing judges’ benefits into his own pocket. At least a good C.J must have three virtues: (a) Good health (b) Discipline (c) Wisdom.
Qualities such as these should be used in determining who should be the next Chief Judge and not some disgusting criteria such as – Lagos State indigene ship, asinine seniority, membership of some “Sogologo-Bangoshe” lodges and cults, or kinship with so called Kingmakers.
I will never pray for a corrupt, thieving, alive-today-dead-tomorrow “money-money” judge as the Chief Judge. Such a misfit full of Judas anointing, cannot guide or discipline judges under him or her. Petitions of aggrieved innocents would be neglected. Bailiffs and Sheriffs will go berserk ab initio. Registrars will go mad in toto. Things will fall apart and anguish will pierce the heart of many.
Those who pride themselves as the pillars of the legal profession in Lagos State and have roles to play in the appointment of Chief Judge of Lagos State should put on their thinking caps and do the right thing.
If not, the terrible axe called Nemesis shall fall on them and their households.
A CURSE? NO, A PROPHECY.
Related link: http://www.learnedsquib.blogspot.com
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